In the past, I've done straight giveaways, fundraisers, and other fun things, and once again I'm switching up how you enter.
In
my edits over the past year, I've noticed that the queries are getting a little flat. Seems like most of you have the basics down, the three to four paragraphs of plot/about the book, one of bio, and a polite sign off. What I usually see is something like this: (And yes, this is my current WIP)
Dear [Agent name],
Beautiful, brown-haired, seventeen-year-old Coral must leave her home space hub, Wiltshire, to go to the most important sky hub, Bath, to compete for the apprenticeship. There she meets over-the-top, blonde-haired, blue-eyed Siren. Siren really wants to date Coral's older brother Kelp, and Siren’s brother Reef, who is in no way hot, wants to date Coral.
Because Coral has been raised on textbooks, she, like Siren does, begins to read fiction novels and her imagination runs wild. When it docks nearby, frightening rumors spread about the ship Northanger and its intense and intimidating Commander Barnacle. Coral also begins to fall in love with Commander Barnacle’s smoking hot son, Tidal.
Coral ends up winning a place on Northanger and soon finds out that all of the scary rumors about it are true. Something fishy is going on in the bowels of the ship and it's up to Coral to get to the bottom of it before it’s too late. Coral can’t stop her investigation until she finds out what's haunting the poor, terrified crew and what's keeping Tidal's timid sister Shore so frightened.
THE GREAT SHIP NORTHANGER is my futuristic retelling of Jane Austen's classic novel NORTHANGER ABBEY in space. It is complete at 110,000 words.
In 2008, I completed an MA in Creative Writing from Newcastle University in Newcastle upon Tyne, England. I have been a freelance book editor for four years with clients publishing at Sourcebooks Fire and HarperCollins, among others. I am also on staff at [redacted] Agency for rights reversions.
Per your guidelines, please find the first [#] pages following. Thank you for your consideration.
Cassandra Marshall
[address]
[phone]
camarshall.com@OnlyCassandra
Now, that's all well and good. It follows all the "rules" and gets the job done, but can it be improved a bit to make it more exciting? I think so.
That first paragraph is a bit confusing. Too many names, too many details, and too quickly, leaves me wondering who all these people are, and whose story it really is. Listing characters and their qualities is not a great thing to do because the reader won't remember all these details when given all at once. The sentence structure is a bit cliche too. The second plot paragraph gets into the actual plot more and introduces a bit of conflict as well as a love interest. Good. The last plot paragraph ups the stakes even more, but it's riddled with cliches and it's a bit vague on plot. I think we can take this sort of run-of-the-mill query and really ratchet it up.
We're all told that voice is so important in our MSs and the same can be true for queries as well. Great voice needs natural language, sensory details, action verbs, sentence variety, and varying sentence lengths to help bring your words to life. Queries get read so quickly and it's vital to make a great first impression in a clear way. So, let's see what this query can do if all those things are added in, eh?
Dear [Agent name],
At the age of seventeen, all the kids in the galaxy travel across aethics of space to compete for work placement. For Coral, this means leaving the orderly and protected Wiltshire hub and traveling to the apprenticeship battleground: Bath sky hub. Her competition and roommate is feisty Siren, who has designs on Coral's older brother Kelp. Worse, Coral becomes the unwanted recipient of affection from Siren’s repellant brother Reef. Just knowing he’s in the same skyhub activates her introvert tendencies and makes her itchy.
Coral begins to read fiction books--an unpopular pastime back home--and her imagination releases like an anti-gravity chamber. When The Great Ship Northanger docks nearby, unsettling rumors spread about it and the intense Commander Barnacle. What's even more frightening are Coral's new feelings for Barnacle's son Tidal. Her lips go numb even just thinking about kissing him.
Coral wins a coveted place on Northanger but to her horror discovers that something as black as dark matter is going on in the bowels of the ship. Only Coral can figure out what's haunting Northanger and scaring her crew--and what's keeping Tidal's sister Shore so close to home when there's a great wide universe waiting to be explored just outside the ship’s thick hull.
THE GREAT SHIP NORTHANGER is my futuristic retelling of Jane Austen's NORTHANGER ABBEY in space. It is complete at 70,000 words.
In 2008, I completed an MA in Creative Writing from Newcastle University in Newcastle upon Tyne, England. I have been a freelance book editor for four years with clients publishing at Sourcebooks Fire and HarperCollins, among others. I am also on staff at [redacted] Agency for rights reversions. I live in the boonies of Michigan with my dog Mollie.
Per your guidelines, please find the first [#] pages following. Thank you for your consideration.
Cassandra Marshall
[address]
[phone]
camarshall.com
@OnlyCassandra
That’s more dynamic, right?
So here’s what I want you guys to do:
1. Get your query ready! If you need to, put it up on your blog/tumblr/facebook and ask for help from your writing buddies. See how many of the five senses you can get in there, how much of a mood you can set.
2. Starting this Wednesday, you can then enter your query into the contest below to win a FREE substantial edit of any YA or MG of 100,000 words or less. Open internationally for any MS written in English.
Best of luck!
